Cheers

Kieran Garry

The daughter of my landlord has the scarecrow look and wears a pair of lightbrown cats eye contacts that make me want to scrunch my own eyes in pain. Outside trappings, yes, but what is on the inside that engenders such transformation? Is it bucking the system, a bid for individuality or an inferiority complex, a love, awe and esteem of things foreign?

I too noticed the alarming increase in orange toned ladies when I was home for Christmas – the first time in 18 months. At some clubs i was expecting some of the smaller ones to break into an impressive rendition of the oompa loompa; giving the clubgoers some personal advice, in song, about the perils of excessive gluttony, watching too much TV, and over-pampering kids.

(If we were wise, they’d sing. We’d listen to them)

I was at a friend’s wedding in Mexico last year, and relegated to the singles table at the back I got talking to quiet, pretty Dubliner who was fretting that after 2 weeks in the sun she had not gotten a tan: it was too hot, and too humid, most times cloudy. I imagine that it would be social disaster to return home to Ireland untan, while your friends mysteriously brown at the first appearance of sun in August.

She was taken aback when I said she didn’t need to tan, and that she had fine coloring anyway with her raven back hair, and blue eyes. Aragorn wouldn’t have been so quick to fall for that lovely eleven girl, I said, did she not have to those liquid blue eyes, and pale skin. Orange skin would have been a relationship breaker.

It’s strange that Irish women have not noticed that a lot of modern Hollywood stars are untan. In his commentary on the Moulin Rouge DVD, Baz Luhrnann mentioned Kidman’s skin as being almost blue in the white light when she first entered on the trapeze to “Diamonds”.

Anyway we need to government campaign to stop orange people on TV telling the Irish lasses how to get even more orange. Lets hire Nicole Kidman, Ms Connelly and Liv Tyler to explain how to wear makeup for their skin coloring. A government program is needed, and the stars can give their services for free.

It’s that serious.

OK, I’m sold.

See? Orkut never lies!

I spent two years in Dublin (having lived the rest of my life in Canada), and was really struck by the fake tan thing (and the number of tanning salons). I heard a number of horror stories about both the application and removal. I always wondered what happened if you got lucky, brought the lad home, and he wanted to keep the lights on?

I have a meagre theory on the fake tans and the contact lenses. Forgive me, but relatively speaking, there’s not a lot of differentiation among Irish people. They tend to have similar skin, hair colour, build, etc. So, perhaps women are trying to stand out from the crowd. Of course, then the whole crowd starts applying fake tan, and things go south.

I come from Vancouver, which has more diversity than it knows what to do with. So, I may be biased.